1. Don’t plan your time well.
Who needs to use an agenda to organize their time? Who needs it to list all their assignments? It’s much easier to forget about all the assignments that pile up over the semester. When the due date comes, you can always shake your fists in frustration for being so disorganized.
Also, it’s too hard to pack a tiny agenda into your backpack – it’s not worth having an extra book to track your assignments.
Don’t take care of your physical health.
Junk food at all hours of the day is more fun than a balanced diet. It’ll prevent you from thinking clearly and maintaining a good sleep schedule, which is totally ideal, right? Snacking and studying
Eating a whole family-pack of chips for breakfast before an exam is filling, cheap, and gives you enough starch to last through the first part of the exam. If you pass out halfway through the exam, hey, that’s okay! At least you had enough nutrition to last halfway.
Super Foods for Studying
Don’t prioritize your mental health.
Mental health? What’s that? Must be a hippie, pseudo-science thing. It’s not real! The only thing you care about is your grades, and who cares about mental health?
No need to vent stress every once in a while, – you can handle it without talking to your friends or family, who are supposedly there to support you. Mental Prep for a Test
Plan of Attack – Ready for Battle
Don’t ask for help.
You don’t need to go to the professor’s office hours – those are for people who are really dumb, right? And your grades can’t be improved – you must be at the top of your class now! Your TA is also too intimidating to visit. You can probably get the best answers from your peers, not the people who set the actual exam questions.
Don’t join clubs or associations, and don’t take extracurriculars seriously.
Why bother trying something new or challenging? You’re already busy with your regular coursework, and extracurriculars will just add more stress to your schedule. You don’t need to be well-balanced, and you don’t need a social life nor networking. In fact, you don’t think networking is needed to meet influential people in your field of study, right?
And sports! Who needs to run around, puffing and getting fit every week? You can gain the ‘freshman 15’ and keep it – who cares? It’s too much work to exercise every once in a while.
Statement of authorial intent (not included in word count):
This submission is a satirical approach to giving tips to college students; its intent is to be humorous and suggest tips from an opposing point-of-view and exaggeration. In no way do I, the author, suggest that the reader ignore their mental health, physical health, etc.
How NOT to study – The Idiot’s Guide
Written by: Christina Nguyen